I've been living in a Indian village for three months now. I'm settled in. I get things now (well, I get the things that are possible to get. The other stuff I've accepted as impossible).
Except that really honestly I do most things wrong.
There's a beautiful girl that lives on the corner. I love her. She's gorgeous and has big dark eyes and every time she smiles my heart melts.
Except that she's not a girl. She's a he. Something "Singh" (this means that there is no doubt that she is actually a he). I found out when I was pouring to his grandfather about "how beautiful she is!" Whoops.
Also I can't take seem to take care of myself. Let's simply blame it on self control issues. I want to eat everything all the damn time. Soda? Chocolate? Beans (especially beans)? FEED ME. I will eat you. Cookies? Yes but lets have sugary chai on the side! The only reason (and I really mean the only reason) I have not put on 10 kg is that I get really sick once a month. And don't eat anything but rice for a couple of days. And go to the hospital. Diet, India style. If you had seen me eat last night, you would have had your proof.
Essentially I am the blind woman who dances around at a concert and sort of bumps into people awkwardly. Because I simply do not know what is okay. Man creepily starring at me while sitting next to me on the bus? How does this fit into the Indian social system of what is acceptable? Do I do something other than looking back once in a while to interrupt his gaze? I don't know. Woman pushing my butt up onto the bus when there is no need? Alright? I don't know. Not making friends with the other white girl on the bus....? Am I supposed to? Are we connected by race in a foreign land? Because this is my 8th hour on the bus today and I have 2 more to go and really, I hope you are enjoying yourself, but I have no need to form a superficial bond with you.
The icing on the blindly crashing dancing cake is that I can't dress anymore. I'm sick of my clothes. I have nothing to wear. I want to feel like a girl again. When you move to an Indian village, BRING A DRESS AND HEELS. Because you will hit a moment where all you need in life is to dress up and walk around the house and feel pretty. I didn't have the foresight. So now I wear a tank top and leggings and cardigan every day when I am home just because I need to wear something that remotely fits my body and and reminds that once, many moons ago, I wore clothes that did not make me look like a bloated buffalo.
I am a hundred percent convinced that I am well past ever being able to function normally in any social system ever again. I will simply eat cookies and beans and try to avoid getting sick as best I can and nod my head in this unfortunate fashion whenever addressed and hope that somehow I retain some of the love of the people who know me and have friends still when I return home.
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